What is it about the big booty?

As you likely know by now, Kim and Kanye are engaged. (Maybe this here was the sequence of events that convinced him to finally put a ring on it.) Now, I’m a red-blooded American male and I find her generally attractive in an object-y sense (i.e. I saw most of the Ray J video). I’m not sure she’s a person I would want to date, but I mean, I’d never have the chance, so that’s generally a moot point. But with her (and them) in the news, I wanted to try and figure out … is there some kind of anthropologic basis to guys being into girls with bigger asses?

I decided to start with Yahoo! Answers, mostly because I wanted a little part of my soul to die as I read the responses. That definitely happened. In between the stuff about sticking “there dick” in there and “poop coming out of those hot butts lol,” I did find the answer I’d assumed was the main logic: larger butts = rounder figures = association with fertility = animalistic perspective of why we’re all here anyway = easier to spread seed. Also, although the language wasn’t per se above the fifth-grade level, there is a small argument to be made for the “guys don’t typically have butts that could look like that” angle, which might tie back to guys’ similar fascination with boobs or certain types of long legs. I’m not sure if the science referenced here is correct, but those ideas would back up the “associations with fertility” argument. (Here’s a scientific perspective that discredits the fertility theory and goes instead for regional preferences.)

Purportedly, men under greater stress prefer women with bigger behinds. That would contextually make some sense, seeing as…

Bethenny Frankel has tackled this topic, as has Ejira Films, The DailyBuzz, Justin Cox, and Dr. Erica Goodstone (among countless others). Perhaps most terrifying: this could be causing an increasing percentage of men to go after the cosmetic butt procedure.

Personally, I’ve never been a fan of the huge butt, although I do see some schematic advantages in more intimate moments. I’m also pretty glad Kanye and Kim got engaged. Maybe (although not likely) it’ll settle ’em both down a smidge, and I mean, they already got a kid. Scott Disick and Kanye at the same bachelor party is a terrifying thought for mankind, though.

Ted Bauer