The Kentucky Derby, premature ejaculation, and funny horse names


About the headline above: think about this for a second. Five hours of build-up. Everyone’s dressed all fancy. There are cool hats. The hard liquor is flowing. People are jubilant. Animals are even involved (?!). And then, the main event is over in two and a half minutes. (“Sounds like my prom! Bazinga!”) But in all seriousness, is there any popular culture event more closely connected to the idea of unfulfilling, premature sex than the Kentucky Derby is? Amen.

I don’t actively follow horse racing and I don’t really know that much about it. I’ve been to Delaware Downs (it was depressing and the room was full of smoke), as well as tracks in Kansas, Minnesota, and Maryland (ditto, ditto and ditto). I understand it as the “sport of kings” since, well, horses are expensive to own and develop — but in terms of non-major-weekend fandom, it’s actually the sport of middle-aged guys who made a modest sum on the side and like cigars and crappy carpeting.

The one cool thing about horse racing — besides, you know, the horses being majestic and all — is that oftentimes the names are funny as hell. Check out the 2014 Derby field: General A-Rod (huh?), Intense Holiday, Candy Boy, Vicar’s in Trouble, etc. If you saw these names as characters in a board game, you’d probably be like “Son, put that one down. Let’s play Sorry instead.”

When you combine funny names with the overzealousness of horse racing announcers, you often get comedy gold. Consider, for example:

And this:

And this:

And this, which might be the funniest one:

Actually, this might be the funniest:

This is clearly fake, but … it’s funny.

Several others have done articles on funny horse names: see here, here and here for examples. They’ve even discussed it on the Graham Norton show.

Enjoy the crazy hats, B-List celebrities on the red carpet, and mint juleps. And remember: My Wife Knows Everything! The Wife Doesn’t Know! Now it’s the wife knows everything — no, the wife doesn’t know! (Just watch the videos above if this isn’t making sense.)

Ted Bauer


  1. Gulfstream in Miami. All the absurdity, none of the creepy people smoking indoors. (Unless you want to join them in the clubhouse.)

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