I’ve written a literal metric ton on male friendships over the years; back around Christmas season 2013, I sat in a coffee shop in Minneapolis and wrote this about male friendships in response to a Salon article. Years later — June 2019 — I also sat in a coffee shop, this time in Fort Worth, and wrote about male friendships and depression, and along the way (June 2017, a few months after getting divorced), I wrote about whether male friendships or female friendships are harder. I’ve also written a couple of different things on the expectations of friendship.
That intro is not super long, but definitely self-indulgent, in a way to say that I care about these issues and think about them a lot. So, yesterday, also drinking coffee — although this time in a WeWork — I came across this Washington Post article on male friendships. This stuff is clearly catnip to me, so I read through it a couple of times and tweeted parts from it too. Now I decided to sit down and write my own post regarding it. Let’s see where that nets out.
Some good quotes/sections from that article
I’ll run a few for you:
- On a rare night he spent catching up with an old friend in October, a mixture of vulnerability and intoxication led him to pour out his frustrations. “I bet you still have no idea why her and I broke up,” he said to his friend. “I bet you have no idea.” The friend paused, apologized and let him talk for a while about what had happened.
- One 2006 analysis published in the American Sociological Review found that while Americans in general have fewer friends outside the family than they used to, young, White, educated men have lost more friends than other groups.
- When Greif surveyed hundreds of men about how they most often socialized with friends, 80 percent of men said “sports” — either watching or participating in them together.
- “The rules for guys pursuing other guys for friendships are not clear,” Greif said. “Guys don’t want to seem too needy.”
- But as boys begin to enter adolescence at age 15 or 16, “you start to hear them shut down and not care anymore,” Way said. They start to act defensive about their friendships, saying they’re “not gay” and that they’re not as close anymore. “You hear those expectations of manhood get imposed on them.”
- “The goal of adulthood is to find a partner, not to find a best friend,” Way said. “There’s nothing in our definition of success or maturity … that includes friendships.”
- A Brigham Young University study found that social connections — with friends, family, neighbors or colleagues — improve a person’s odds of survival by 50 percent.
- In 2018, the suicide rate among men was 3.7 times higher than among women, according to statistics from the National Institute of Mental Health. But some surveys show men are less likely than women to admit they are lonely, while other research suggests men derive more of their emotional intimacy from the women in their lives. In one study, married men were more likely than married women to list their spouse as their best friend.
OK, that’s probably enough quotes and stats. Let’s hit a few of those, though.
The “I bet you don’t know why we broke up” thing (first bullet) is near the top of that article, and that gut-punched me pretty hard. I have a lot of different groups of friends/acquaintances all-in, and I would bet maybe 2-3 people (if even that) know anything about why I got divorced. Some of that is probably shame, some of that is probably guys not knowing what to ask, some of that is guys not caring, some of that is guys having their own lives and focusing there, and some is that a lot of my friends didn’t know my ex that well, so it’s probably outside their purview. But I always found it funny when I was getting divorced that I was going through this supposedly huge life moment and literally no one ever seemed to ask me “Hey, what happened?”
A lot of the other quotes about how men are raised vs. what men become ultimately come back to the boys don’t cry problem of life and work. Masculinity is a very specific swim lane for many — hit numbers, make money, be a warrior, go to bars, know about sports, become a dad, be a provider, etc. — and things that don’t seemingly fit inside that swim lane can get lost, and then when guys need to find an emotional center of gravitas, they often cannot outside of their spouse. Or they become a 50-year old yogi fuckboy, which has pros and cons as a model too.
What’s this about tempering expectations?
This was a big lesson of my 30s, which I can now say as I’m a few weeks into 40. Basically, look, there’s only so much you can expect from another person, especially if they’re not in your immediate geography. Guys do not typically form “best friendships” the way girls do. I have guys I communicate with probably a few times/week, but I might go a month or more without hearing from them. I spent a lot of my 30s getting depressed as fuck about that, and often going into an IPA Hole at bars near my apartment because I felt like I didn’t have very much in the way of people. I still sometimes feel that way, but the thing is, ultimately … what can I expect? Do I want a day-by-day blow-by-blow of some guy 1,200 miles away with three kids he’s rearing? No, I can’t reasonably expect that, and I doubt the blow-by-blow would be super interesting either.
I’m not saying settle, but I’m saying understand there’s an emotional ceiling to male friendships.
What about shifting paradigms?
I used to text people on Mondays stuff like “Good weekend?” Over time, as the response rate waned, I realized that’s a generic question and easy to skip over as your Monday unfolds into chaos. So, I tried to start texting people only shit specific to them, i.e. articles or podcasts or life observations that would clearly resonate with them. I’m good at this when sober. If I’m like 4-5 beers deep, I’m terrible at it and just feel warm inside and want to text whoever is in my phone. So … there’s a balance there that I’ve only recently done a bit better with.
So just shift how you think about male dynamics. Specific > general.
I will say this too. There is a “box-check” element to some marriages (most marriages?) whereby, at certain cadences of the year, the woman demands something from the man. One of the best examples I’ve seen is around November 28th or so, you get a ton of texts from guys like “Hey, current address?” Clearly what’s happening here is the woman is preparing holiday cards and is riding the guy to get addresses for his friends.
What I always find funny about that is like … in most cases, I am friends with the guy and his wife on social media. I see their family photos. I know what their kids look like and how adorable their house is. I know what’s coming when I send back the address. And I do it, because I’m trying to be compliant and check my own box, right?
But in that moment, as a dude, what I’d prefer is like “Hey, is Mahomes incredible or what?” or “What do you think on Biden and housing?” Something like that. I am fine putting a picture of your family on my fridge; it would be my honor. But I think what we really need on that text thread is, well, just some life bullshit and a moment of connected beauty.
Are male friendships doomed?
Absolutely not. They just take a little bit more work. And remember: the point of adulthood to many is to find a partner, create a family (legacy), and do something that can be construed as “successful,” whatever those parameters mean to you. It’s not necessarily to go drink in a field in Madison, WI with your boys — although to some, that might be part of it (is for me) and it might constitute success (does for me). Is that everyone, though? And does day-to-day overcome “strategy,” as it does at work? Absolutely. So temper expectations and shift paradigms. Welcome to a new decade of existence, Ted Bauer. Now put down the IPA while you’re at it…
