Couple of things upfront: first, this blog at one point was predominantly about true crime (ha), then about management and leadership, then about a whole host of things. Recently it’s been personal because I’ve gone through some major life check-boxes in the past six weeks or so, but eventually it will navigate back to management and work stuff, especially if there’s a “Next Normal” after COVID. That’s just some housekeeping for all y’all.
Second, if you want to see a quick video from my wedding (yep, the second one) this past weekend, here you go:
More shall eventually come, and I’ll likely post it in different places. If that’s something you care about, wait for it. Ya know, not like actively, but wait for it.
Alright, let’s get to the experience.
How did we get to this moment?
Well, long story short I was with someone 2009 to 2012, got married at NYC City Hall in 2012, got married in front of 165 people in 2013 (Miami!), and got divorced in 2017. This post will summarize a lot of it. A good chunk of the ending of that relationship is my fault, although as would be expected, if you talk to her friends (who used to be “my friends” as well), they will say it’s 100% my fault. If you talk to “my friends,” they won’t know, because I don’t talk about it as a two-way street, since that’s not respectful to the other person who went through it. I’ve blogged about it, for sure (probably 8-10 times including the post above), but I try to just talk about my failings, not anyone else’s.
I was single for about nine-10 months and I met my current wife (legal now!) at a charity event in late summer 2017. I think we actually just passed three years together this week, to boot. So that’s kind of the arc at a high level, without names or identifying features except for my foibles.
Did I want to get married again?
When I was single, usually the thing I told myself is that if I ended up with someone again and they were younger and had never experienced the whole marriage deal, I would be into it. That’s what happened. If I had ended up with someone older who was divorced herself, or not ended up with anyone at all, would I have gotten married? Not necessarily. But in the context of caring about another person and the experiences people want from their lives, was it the correct decision here? For sure.
So do people care about your second wedding?
Broadly speaking, absolutely not. Add in COVID and it’s basically an isolated event if you’re not getting married immediately in the area where friends and family are — and even then it’s tough. I knew that going in and I tried to mentally steady myself around it. I also know I have pretty low self-esteem and sense of self, so I did email/text some people saying “Hey, it’s on this Saturday, holler at me during the day if you can.” Some people might look at that as desperation, like I was telegraphing old friends to hit me up on the day. Yea, it’s partially desperation but I knew if I went through the day and heard from essentially no one outside of those in attendance, I might be sad. So I lobbed up a Hail Mary and it mostly worked. Most of the people on that thread remembered to shoot me a text or whatever.
Now, one thing I will say that’s interesting is about human adaptability, which I think has some resonance with COVID swirling around and all. The only person that overlapped my 2013 wedding and my 2020 wedding was me. My parents didn’t even come because of COVID. So, across seven years and two major life events, I was with myself and that’s it. First lesson: at some level, all you have is yourself, right? Second lesson: there were a chunk of people at the 2020 wedding who I consider good friends. I knew none of them in 2015. Some of them I only met in mid-2018.
Not to blow smoke up my own ass, because I have a lot of problems I deal with for sure, but if you ever get sad and think you’ve lost friends (common in adulthood), or are confused by your place, or whatever … just know that it’s possible to reinvent the world around you in 2-3 years. It’s not easy and you will cry during it, absolutely. But it’s possible.
Hot tubs vs. hot springs
They say that water has this mythical power over us and we like to make it almost a religion, etc. Cool, cool.
Well, when I got divorced and my ex was moving out, I went to Tucson for the weekend to stay with some friends. This was 2017 Final Four weekend. Don’t ask me about that Final Four because mostly what I did was get drunk and apparently offer marriage advice to one of their couples friends, and ever since, I’ve been less close with that Tucson crew. Sometimes I don’t understand the human condition, often starting with myself.
Anyway, while I’m out there, on Saturday afternoon, my friend is playing with his daughter inside and I went into their hot tub overlooking some mountains and canyons and all that. It was a very weird time for me because I knew my ex was moving out at that moment, and I was thinking about your 30s, weekends, friend groups, kids, what I would be doing if I wasn’t in that hot tub, and more. Meanwhile it was a pretty nice view, but I had about 42,997 things in my head and I couldn’t process life as a whole. So, naturally, I went back inside, watched TV, and then we went and drank for the Final Four. Good times, until it wasn’t.
OK, so … this past week, after getting married, I go to Arkansas for a couple of days, and on Thursday I find myself sitting in this hot springs bath in Northwest Arkansas getting ready for some massage and again, in water, thinking about life. It was probably less than 42,997 things — this time I was mostly thinking that I need to lose my beer gut — but I found the contrast interesting. In one case, I’m completely alone and emotionally drowning in a hot tub in Arizona; in the other case, I’m near a new person, emotionally reflective but hoping for a good chapter.
Water is powerful. Oh, I wrote about that once before too.
La familia
About three-four weeks before I got married this time, I posted something on Facebook about communicating. Not like in relationships, because I ain’t no expert — hell, I’ve been divorced! More like in the general sense. I did use an anecdote from my ex, though, in that her brother couldn’t ever remember people’s names and used to get the names of her other sister’s boyfriends wrong, and it was super tedious.
So I post that, maybe stupidly (probably stupidly), and my ex’s sister — whose boyfriend’s names were forgotten — jumps into the comments. Now, bear in mind above I said that I’ve probably blogged about my divorce 8-10 times. That’s me blogging about the dissolution of her sister’s relationship. Never in that span of time has she jumped into a FB thread or even really talked to me. But now, when I mentioned their brother, it was guns out, guns up, and eventually I got blocked. I am surprised it didn’t happen sooner.
It also didn’t surprise me sequentially, because my ex’s sister had a really weird dynamic with her brother, where it was like the love she chased the most above all. So 10 blogs about her sister? We good. One comment about her brother? BLOCK.
I use this stupid story to illustrate that families are very challenging and imperfect. My ex’s family was awesome in pockets — some good convos in those Miami days — and absolute hell in other pockets. Her mom sent a text to 10 people dragging me once (the night of the “Deflate Gate” football game, for those familiar). Me, my ex, her sister, and her then-boyfriend came back from a brewery once to my ex’s brother and parents sitting in a dark room discussing emotional trauma. Some weird shit went down in that era, no doubt, and I’m reserving the worst of it.
Long story short on that, my wife’s family now is very normal and sane and that’s been good. You do marry either “the family” or “into the family,” and that needs to be noted and considered and it’s a real thing. I would say you marry into the friends, and that’s true too, but the reality of friendships after about 28 years old is that people have their own shit going on with kids, jobs, their own aging parents, and more. Case in point: my ex had a woman she called her “best friend.” In 7-8 years of us being together, I hung out with that best friend maybe 7-10 times. Max. And they didn’t even have kids. My lady now has a few best friends, and again, maybe 2-3 times/year I see them, just because of distance, other shit going on, COVID, whatever. As a result, I think “marrying the family” — who you see a lot more, give or take — is more relevant.
Is this where I discuss drinking stuff?
Sure, I’ll throw that part in here. If you read my more personal blogs, you know that’s something I struggle with here and there. I have good pockets and bad pockets. It definitely contributed to getting divorced the first time, and I’m cognizant of that, so I don’t want it to be a problem the second time around. That’s just stuff I need to work on and focus on, both internally and with external help. I’m out here trying. It’s not always easy, but I am.
In fact, if you want to know the winner of the award for “the worst thing someone can say to their spouse on Christmas,” I have a situation that might be in the running. On Christmas 2016, while at a red light in Miami, my ex called me a “self-loathing alcoholic.” Hmm. We got divorced that March. Now, is that characterization true? Very possibly in pockets. Is that who I am overall? No. But are there kernels in there that I need to work on? Absolutely.
Never had quite that situation in my existing relationship, although there are moments I’d walk back, for sure.
By way of broader apology to anyone who read this far, sometimes I’ll day-drink, or do something generally stupid, and text or post something I’m not proud of. It happens. I’m working on it and trying to eliminate it. But I have a few cringe-worthy ones in my canon from even the past three-four years. I had an agency job once in 2018 and I sent a bunch of people a post about getting divorced. Why would work people care about that? I dunno. I just wanted them to understand me, I guess? Plus: had been drinking. Even when I moved apartments after I got divorced, I had one such adult friendship moment. Had been drinking.
It’s something, and I’m chasing it. Addictive components aren’t a good third person within a marriage. I know it.
“So here’s to the future, ‘cuz we got through the past…”
Onward and upward, y’all. Be good. I’ll keep trying to blog about stuff that I think matters, be that KPI Kevin or life. I turn 40 in two weeks, so I’m sure a personal post is coming around that.
Congratulations! May this new journey bring you the happiness and the life you deserve.
what a great blog post Ted. Thanks for sharing your journey and congratulations on the nuptials!!!!!