I’ll keep this one relatively short because if it goes too long, it might sound self-indulgent or victim-central, and that’s not my goal here. I just want to make a quick point and get out.
When I was probably about five years old, one day I came home from kindergarten, and my mom — who was struggling with alcoholism at the time — was passed out. Now, again, I was five. My dad was at work. I lived in a doorman building so I went to the doorman to get help, and he helped me. I forget exactly how it was resolved, but there was some resolution. It took another probably 3-4 years for my mom to get clean, tho. Stuff happens only when people are ready. That’s something I’ve increasingly learned about my own problems in that area.
Sometimes in my weaker moments, I think that I’m still that five year-old boy with tons of fear and unclear where exactly to turn. Other times, I think I’m doing OK. It varies by day/week/month/whatever.
I wouldn’t say my mom “abandoned” me, because she worked hard and did a good job later — she was helpful when I got divorced, for example — but in that moment, absolutely she did. Little Fatty Ted with his backpack needed to know what to do, and there was no answer, and I had to figure it out.
I felt left on the side of the road.
Well, unfortunately that’s the way it also goes with a lot of adult relationships. Again, I don’t want to belabor this point because a lot of people move for work, or get married to someone you don’t like, or have kids, or just grow apart … so oftentimes, an adult will “abandon” another adult but not by choice, just by context and circumstance, which is a lot different. I have a few good friends these days who I text and they never text back. I get worried about it sometimes, but it’s COVID, they have kids, they have full-time jobs, whatever. Maybe I did something along the way, and if I did, I apologize to anyone reading this who might be in that boat. But a lot of times this is just how life “happens.” I’ve written about this a couple of times, with this post on life getting divergent 28-to-35 probably being the best one.
But then you have these adult relationships that end, or one side “cancels” the other, over seemingly nothing that will matter six months from the point it happens. I used to be friends (good friends, actually) with this girl Ramya in New York; she cancelled me over various things that matter so little now, I can’t even remember the sequence of events. I have a few other stories like that.
One of the notable ones is this girl Lex, who I worked with at RecruitingDaily for about 1-2 years. We did a lot of trade shows together, like Chicago, Atlanta, DC, etc. She was a very cool girl (still is!) and we talked about a lot of different stuff. We even cried a few times. There was a horrible boss at that job named Ryan, who often made her cry with completely invalid deliverables, and we bonded over that a bit.
Anyway, Lex and I were friends to the point that I went to her wedding last summer. (Good party.) Then I deleted IG, which is a big thing for her, and we talked less as a result, although some text here and there.
But a few weeks, maybe a month or so ago, her girl Katrina (mentioned here) tweeted something about inclusion and I was day-drinking with some cyclists. I had hit up Katrina maybe a year before about work, and she never responded, so I decided to sub-tweet her (stupid of me!) about how inclusion isn’t selective. That led to a bunch of tweet blow-ups, and as I walked my dog, Lex told me I was CANCELLED and seemed to block my phone number too.
So, if you’re following along, two people over 33 ended a friendship over some tweets. I don’t think that was ever supposed to be a recipe for life.
I know things change and people evolve and move on, but I do wish the endings and beginnings of relationships were around more significant events, sometimes. I don’t like feeling like I got left on the side of the emotional road because of Jack Dorsey’s failed attempt to unify us.
Anyway, carry on.
