I’ve done these posts before and they can get self-indulgent and I feel like I often say similar things, so I’m going to take a new track and try to be a little more direct and honest in this one. Hopefully it works out and serves as a baseline of accountability for me going forward here a little bit.
By the way, one of the most self-indulgent things I’ve probably ever written is this deal when I turned 38. It’s actually a well-written post, but I cringe when I reread it. The back-story on that post is that I had a job at this agency at the time, and there really wasn’t that much work coming in — and it was the type of place that didn’t contextualize existing work that well — so I had gotten to work that morning, done like 30 minutes worth of stuff, and cranked that puppy out. I managed to mention pissing myself in an elevator, which is, you know, always a good tenet of blogging.
OK, so … 40 starts tomorrow. 10 years ago I was posting an article about the San Francisco Giants on espn.com; my manager was telling me it’s “urgent.” I bet no one has looked at that specific article in, oh, 8.7 years at this point. Truly urgent. It’s awesome how fleeting white-collar work can be.
When I hit 50, God willing, what do I want to be able to say? What can I reasonably achieve? Let’s try this.
Drinking: Anything bad about my 30s (and some of my 20s) is tied to drinking. I honestly don’t even know at this point why I still do it, because the negative to positive column has to be about 12,792 to 3 at this point. So I’d like to eradicate that, or at the very least maybe have wine at people’s third weddings here and there and that’s it.
Squats: I hate people that put working out on these lists. I’m past my days of running windsprints like crazy or doing CrossFit shit — I did the cliche thing and did that post-divorce — but I’d like to do consistent cardio, lose weight, and do some nice squat/deadlift sets once I get this umbilical hernia fixed. Just consistent, small steps towards health and wellness.
Dad: I leave this stuff up to God at this point, but I would like to eventually be a dad, whether that is biological or through another channel.
Friends: Man, this has been a real theme for me since about age 35 + now throw in COVID + getting divorced and losing some of those friends. I think I need to be better about this. I get scared around people, probably because of my own low self-esteem, so I don’t double down on new relationships. I’m good at talking to people at bars, but — see above. I have some options here and I’d like to pursue them. I think I’ve also realized over time that everyone has a different approach to the maintenance of friendships, and mine is probably a mix of too intense, too angry, too drunk, and too deep for a lot of people to handle.
Church + volunteering: I’ve had a more active life in the church since early 2018, but I’d like to double down on that in terms of tithe, etc. I don’t think I will ever be a person that deeply believes in religion to every letter, but I’d like to do more there. Volunteering I think I can start this upcoming week, because I’m trying to take a month or two off drinking.
Work: I don’t know what I want from work anymore except some form of fiscal stability, insofar as that exists. I used to want a degree of online celebrity, but I’m nowhere near that. I have a good blog that I think people have found and several appreciate, and people call and message me and hire me for work. I think as long as that keeps happening, I’m good and I don’t have any “manage a team” or “scale a biz” or “write a book” goals, although the final one I might be able to do.
Asia or South America: Been to Europe, although there are still places I’d like to go there. Assuming we can internationally travel again, I’d be into Asia or South America at some point. My ex was actually Peruvian, and we were supposed to go at one point, but … never happened. Probably not Peru as a result, but something. I kinda want to go to Vietnam too.
Reconnect: There are people I’ve lost touch with along the way, and while some of those relationships are hopeless or I fucked them up or it’s a person who doesn’t double down on friendship in my style, I’d still like to reconnect with a few cats over the next few years if I can manage it.
Be a good, consistent person: I think this is the essence of life, so … just take things one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other, give stuff up to God, and try to be a person I’d be proud of (or the person my dog thinks I am).
Don’t lose sight of the good elements of who I am: There’s a lot that I can do around real conversation and vulnerability that a lot of guys cannot do, and I think I also need to continually lean into what makes me an unique person. And take some moments to savor the good things that happen, as opposed to thinking too much about the negative.
OK, that’s a decent list start. Let’s try to go out and accomplish some stuff.
Recommend the Relationship Handbook by George Pransky – will really shift thinking. I read you because you are real – I certainly don’t always agree with you and a lot of the time I do. I like your honesty and self reflection – and your cynic’s periodic point of view. I can track many of my lost opportunities and bad decisions to alcohol. Stay the course. And once you read Pransky relook at your self esteem.