Can we teach empathy, especially to adults?

Can we teach empathy? And if so, how do we do it?

I was having this conversation with my wife last night — before I launched into “Sweat B” of P90x, naitch — about something I feel like I write about a lot (too much?) on this blog, i.e. the notion that traditional ideas about management (deliverables, paying dues, no friendship between managers and employees, poor communication is fine so long as we’re making money) are somewhat fading away in favor of these new ideas (soft skills, communication, empathy, real leadership training, transformational instead of transactional).

Teaching empathy: Generation vs. Generation

The problem is that you have one generation trying to hold on and get out with their mint, and you have another generation (the youngest one in the workforce) trying to find purpose and prove themselves. Those are often at cross-purposes. It should be noted that the Boomers and the Millennials are two huge generations, people-wise, so generalizing about them is pretty fraught. Everyone is different, as is every company, every manager-employee relationship, and every other conceivable touchpoint you encounter in a work setting.

A lot of this, to me, does come back to empathy. It’s a core way to get people to listen to you, for one thing. The hiring process and unemployment all pushes outward from a lack of empathy. I’d argue humility is pretty closely tied to empathy, and many leaders lack that. I could go on and on. I’ll spare you.

So last night, after this convo and workout, I’m reading part of the Sunday New York Times — which I almost never read — and I come across this article about how empathy is a choice. That’s pretty interesting, because … most of the time I think we think that some people do have empathy (or the capability for it) and some people do not. It’s that simple. Cut-and-dried, right? Maybe not.

Power positions and empathy

That New York Times article quotes a lot of different studies, from those arguing that we have limits to our empathy when it comes to those of different races to those arguing that if you know empathy is a skill that can be improved, you’ll actually work on improving it.

Before we get too too far into this, let’s pause and think about another study referenced: namely, people in higher power contexts (think of leadership, or even dictators) tend to have less experience with empathy simply because they have less incentive to interact with others.

This is an important point, and we should pause and reflect on it for a second: basically, those with power have almost no need for empathy. That makes a lot of sense. When you have power, people tend to serve you, not engage in an actual dialogue with you. You have a secretary, and direct reports, and a social construct that is probably based largely on people chasing your money or influence and wanting you to say or represent or give to things. (This is somewhat of a generalization, yes, and I apologize. But it’s not wholly untrue.)

As a person rises up an organization, then, you’d assume their empathy probably declines. As that happens, they probably relate less well to people back down the chain (middle managers). That frustrates middle managers — “I’m not being heard!” — and the feces continues to roll downhill to the rank-and-file. None of this is good; the rank-and-file is typically the level closest to the consumer.

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Those high-up guys, without empathy? They tend to be closest to the money-making processes and the partners of the organization, but not the direct consumer.

It’s all a giant disconnect — and, if we’re being honest, what I just described is essentially why “employee engagement” ever became an issue. Notably:

• Management advice and practice was the same for decades
• Eventually people they weren’t getting paid more, were losing rights, and had terrible bosses
• New ideas came into vogue
• For these ideas to work, the higher-ups (where “buy-in” comes from) need to be empathetic to the causes at hand
• They’re typically not, for reasons outlined above
• Stuff rolls downhill

OK, so now pause and pivot again.

But can empathy be taught to adults?

Go back to that second linked study above. If you think empathy is a skill and it can be improved, will you actually improve it? Can empathy be taught/improved, especially in adults?

Here’s an interesting note from The Times:

Even those suffering from so-called empathy deficit disorders like psychopathy and narcissism appear to be capable of empathy when they want to feel it. Research conducted by one of us, William A. Cunningham, along with the psychologist Nathan Arbuckle, found that when dividing money between themselves and others, people with psychopathic tendencies were more charitable when they believed that the others were part of their in-group. Psychopaths and narcissists are able to feel empathy; it’s just that they don’t typically want to.

Read that last sentence.

We typically think narcissists and psychopaths can’t feel empathy, but … maybe they can and they just don’t want to. It’s a contextual behavior, then? You can turn it on and off?

If so, could we create a workplace where empathy was a normative, funneled-to behavior?

Here’s a research paper that seems to argue for “no:”